Justin’s Introduction to Candor 551.4
When my son Justin was in high school, I went to an open house to meet his teachers. I was taken aback when one of them casually mentioned that she had disciplined my son for cheating on a homework assignment.
“Why didn’t you tell me that?” I confronted him afterward.
"You didn’t ask."
To say the least, I was disappointed at his reaction. Surely he knew that in trusting relationships, candor – volunteering information you know the other person thinks is important – is part of honesty. He said he didn’t know that. He was adamant that as long as he hadn’t done anything to affirmatively deceive me, he was being trustworthy.
Not so. Trustworthiness involves a good deal more than not lying. An honest relationship creates high mutual expectations, not only of truthfulness but also of frankness and openness about important information.
That’s why parents owe candor to their kids on matters that affect their lives like plans to move, divorce, or get remarried. And kids owe parents candor on matters concerning their safety and education.
My son was grounded. The next day he came home beaming with self-satisfaction. “My teacher said if she knew you were going to treat it so seriously, she wouldn’t have told you."
Obviously, the teacher didn’t understand or care about her duty of candor to parents. And she sure didn’t grasp the idea of supporting parental efforts to build character.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
I heard this commentary on the radio today. This was a truly inspiring commentary on honesty. I have seen too much situational honesty from business leaders who withold relevant information to gain an economic advantage. They are blind to their own dishonesty while claiming the high ground. I absolutely love how clearly you described a form of dishonesty that so many wouldn't think is such.
Posted by: Joel Dickson | January 30, 2008 7:23 PM
Very important principle for a successful marriage.
Posted by: Cynthia | February 1, 2008 7:09 AM
Dear Michael;
I was disgruntled when I reached the conclusion on candor. Your statement was incomplete because you assumed that your son was telling the truth. As a veteran teacher of more than 30 years, I have heard thousands of remarks like that from students. When it was important enough to arrive at a conclusion, I would contact the parent/teacher to verify the statement. Often times the child was not saying what the teacher/parent said.
The classic one was when a student told his father that I used the "N-word" in class that I said "negro" in class and the parent called me on it. I explained that we were doing the colors in Spanish. The parent was apologetic. His son was trying to make an issue over the origin of the word used in a derogatory way.
I wonder if the teacher reallly did say she wouldn't have told the parent knowing that the student would be grounded. I never did enjoy students cheating on test/homework and I always sent notices home asking the parent to have their child study more for punishment. Sometimes the grade improved.
Edward
Posted by: Edward Grageda | February 1, 2008 1:23 PM
I agree with the idea that withholding relevant information is dishonest and I try to teach that to my students as I have to my grown children. However, I take issue with the idea that studying and homework should be a form of punishment, just as I have a problem with the idea that good classroom behavior should result in homework assignments being reduced or eliminated. I would hope that teachers are assigning homework that is relevant to the subject and will give students the background information, practice, or tools that they need to be knowledgeable about the subject and successful in life as well as the class. There are few professions in which a person does not have to do their "homework" and typically, the better prepared they are the more success and fulfillment they have in their work and their life in general.
Posted by: Julie | February 8, 2008 4:33 PM