Thank you for this sharing. My father was a wonderful man, pro baseball player, Quaker farmer, but his fathering technique was the same as Gary's, point out the errors/flaws and give correction. I never doubted his love, but the quest for perfection is always unfulfilled. Now that he is gone, I can remember many more of his good qualities and I have strived not to do the same in my parenting, now grandparenting. Peace.

Thanks for your wonderful pearls of wisdom. We all know that parents are the only ones who shower us with unconditional love but sometimes even at your best behavior, they tend to say things which constantly gnaws at your heart. The ordeal can sometimes be so unbearable.

After hearing your commentary this morning it really hit home. It made me think back 20 yrs ago when I was raising my son who is now 28, on how I wanted him to have the best of everything. All he had to do was learn, educate himself. I asked for good grades, I asked him to strive for success, to be someone, to be able to take care of himself when I'm no longer around on this earth because we all need each other. But in return all I did was push him away, little by little. You are right . We as
parent(s) need to let our children be themselves, just love them unconditionally. Whatever they may turn out to be. It is not the parent(s) decesion, it's theirs.

Thank you so much for posting this. For years I've tried so hard to get my parents approval. I'm 58 and I have yet to get it. I tried to get them to love me. I went out of my way to do everything I could to get it and make them see I was a soul needing nurturing. Never got it! Neither love, nor approval was destined for me. My mother passed away last year leaving me lost and lonely. There is an emptiness which will never be satisfied. My father is still alive but I have no relationship with him either. When I see him we just end up staring at each other. We have nothing to say, or share. Soon he will go too and I will experience once again the same loneliness and emptiness.

My parents didn't realize they were teaching me a very valuable lesson. I learned from my experience to make sure I did not do the same to my children, or grandchildren. I love each of them unconditionally as well as equally {which was another problem with my siblings being loved and nurtured more than I}. I do not try to make them do things, just because I think it's the way to do them. As a parent I can guide them but ultimately they have their own lessons to learn in their lives. I pray the guidance I've given them will be enough to help them travel down the right roads in life. That is all a parent can do. Love your children and guide them. We do not own them, they are their own persons.

Wise words of wisdom. My father passed away while I was 12 years old. His fathering was in line with Gary's. Although I felt obligated to please him, I knew he wanted what was best for me. After his death, I became father, brother and son in my family. I am proud of my father and what I learned from him during his short existence, allowed me to overcome many obstacles. I am now a proud father of two wonderful boys 9 and 2. I am pleased to say that I am demanding yet kind and always put myself as a father then as a mentor for their life long journey in this complicated world with so many distractions. Above all, if they feel loved all else will eventually fall in its place. It is they who decide what to do in life. It is up to parents to share joy and love so they have a fond and happy memory from their parents.

I emphatize with Gary's father in many ways. I consider myself blessed to have had a father like Gary's, yet I eventually worked with him for 18 years on a daily basis and by the end of that time, at age 37 considered him my closest male friend. Maybe the key is to understand that we as fathers make tough choices every day raising our children (sons especially) and I felt that if I was to err (and we all do - those of us who claim that we'll be a "better" father by being less demanding may be kidding ourselves) I would rather err on the side of making my sons better men than having them love me during my lifetime. I know many fathers who have praised and coddled their sons to the point of having them become useless individuals on this earth. Could it be that a father's greatest sacrifice would be to chance losing his son's love while on this earth to help make his son a better man? I always showed love to my boys, but love is not always what youngsters think it to be.

I think there is something in many of us (especially the male ofthe species), that when something is shown to us, or we see somethng being done, we automatically fix our eyes on what we would do differently, and of course, at that time we have all the reasons why it should be done differently (in our opinion, better). So efforts of children to do something for their parents are overlooked because of the "imperfection" in the way that it is done. Even loving parents fall into this trap.

Given the example above, with Gary's grades, where his Dad asked about the 3 B's - Nobody can be equally good at everything they do, and so it is likely that in some areas a person will pick up a lower grade. As Michael said, the message is sent, "You are never quite good enough to meet my approval".

The "I'm impressed," or "I'm proud of you" needs to be sent too. I can happily report here that my parents have often given me that message, though, my father also has a tendency towards being like Gary's too!

If you are a parent, please help your child know that he/she is accepted, approved of and appreciated (valued), by you, (The AAA message) and if you believe in God, that God accepts, approves of and apreciates them too. Only then, will the child begin to accept, approve of and appreciate themselves.

There is place, and even an obligation, to bring correction and require improvement, provided that the AAA message has already been established.

Thank you for sharing. This was an eye opener for me. Now what do I do? My daughter is only 11 and I may have pushed too hard. She was very upset when she left for school this morning.

I read the article and realized how very lucky to have my parents that I am. I am 54 and my Dad and Mom have both passed on. They were for me the Greatest most supportive Cheerleaders a person could know. I was not spoiled and in fact grew up in a very harsh and economically disadvantaged way however my Dad in particular cheered and encouraged me. He acted shocked and excited when I decided on my own to go to a high school trade school and yet also supportive when I chose to take College prep classes during HS summers. He and My Mother were shocked and suprised when I entered and graduated College and even when I decided to marry at age 20. All along they just loved and appreciated me. I in return really Loved Them and appreciated them. I really have been a blessed Guy. I am now a grandfather and have raised five children trying to be the same with them as my parents were to me. The best compliment I ever got from my Children was this Christmas when they all told me that all their friends had always wished I had been their Dad because I never told them anything was impossible for them and without interferance provided cheerleading and supported them, just like my parents had done with me. Thank You

Congratulations, Mr. Josephson. You have touched one of the main nerves of youth character: parent's character, inheritance and care. This helps a lot to understand the roots of present character and softly moves to change. It isn't to substitute our character with something new, but rather to enhance what we are, no matter the ballast we are still bearing.

Thank you for your great work.