Words Are Weapons 551.3
With four young daughters, 14 and under, I frequently find myself correcting, disciplining, or simply protesting unnecessary and unkind comments certain to anger or wound a sister and evoke counterattacks that fill the air with nastiness.
Hoping to get them to think before they speak in the future, I often ask, “What did you expect to accomplish by that remark?” and “Did it make things better or worse?”
It disappoints and frustrates me that my children are so often unkind to one another and so quick to make foolish comments that have no constructive purpose. Yet it’s even more troublesome when adults engage in the same senseless behavior.
It may be a husband’s unfiltered remark about his wife’s weight or new wrinkles, a parents’ comment, “That’s why you have no friends” or ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or an aunt’s unwanted advice, “If you want to get married, lose weight.”
Sometimes it’s the tone or timing of an otherwise proper statement that makes it sting. We have to remember that words are weapons, sometimes weapons of mass destruction.
Verbal assaulters may defend their unguided missiles with claimed innocence: “I didn’t mean it that way” when the real question is “How was the remark likely to be received?”
Another lame excuse is “I was just telling the truth” without considering whether that truth needed to be said. Honesty does not preclude tact.
We may not always be able to shield ourselves from the darts and arrows of inconsiderate or mean-spirited folks, but we can resolve to be more thoughtful in our own communications.
We can be more kind more consistently. We can follow the Golden Rule.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
I really agree with this article. I do the exact same thing. I always say something hurtful and respond, "I'm just being honest" It usually happens with my boyfriend. Where he does the same thing. He likes playing childish games with me because he knows that's what triggers me to either raise my voice or to say something hurtful. I sometimes find myself playing those games as well because I get so angry that I lose control over it. This article is very helpful.
Posted by: Daphne | January 29, 2008 11:04 AM
like my mother always said.
if you dont have anything nice to say then DONT say it!!!
the best kind of crticism is the constructive one.
Posted by: Mohamed | January 29, 2008 11:07 AM
Sometimes people who pretend to care about us, say such awful things about us after they have said good things that we are at times taken so aback that nothing but the ultimate step has to be taken! At that time one cannot do anything but retaliate.
Posted by: Erum Qayyum | January 31, 2008 1:27 AM
I believe there is no such thing as "constructive" critiscm. ALL criticism will always be harmful to someone's self esteem....it is better to show them perhaps another way to do/say something that doesn't wound someone else.
Posted by: Cynthia | January 31, 2008 7:33 PM
Just because you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it!
Posted by: betty | January 31, 2008 8:27 PM
Fact - a piece of information, a tangible detail or piece of evidence that has been proven and can be backed up with tangible (something that you can see, hear, touch or feel) evidence that can be verified and substantiated.
Truth - our interpretation of the facts. This interpretation is based on our own experiences of the world. The world according to me. If I have had experiences or have watched others experience a situation, I make a decision on what the truth is. Whether it is right or wrong, it’s the truth for me.
We all need to remember that as we receive more information about any situation, the truth may change. Ask yourself...do I have all the information that I should in order to judge the situation? Is it my place to judge the situation that is in front of me? What is the cost of telling the "truth" as I see it in this moment? How important is the relationship with the person that I am about to share information with?
Wisdom--When I listen with understanding, speak with courage and act with character. Gigi 1994
Posted by: Gigi | February 1, 2008 5:20 AM
My husband just told me after a disagreement that he regrets ever marrying me. But he said he does not mean the word when I cried. How on earth am I to cope with that and keep the marriage vows?
Posted by: BRIGHT | February 1, 2008 6:42 AM
How well written, in such few, choice, wise words!
Thank you for this much needed reminder as I struggle to finish this week without yelling at my 1 and 3 yr olds.
Posted by: Susana | February 1, 2008 7:24 AM
Truer words were never spoken. I grew up listening to my father ask, "What's wrong with you?" So I grew up thinking there WAS something wrong with me. I have spent many hours and years coming to the conclusion that there WAS NOTHING wrong with me, it was just his way of not being able to communicate with me that was the problem. The question that I always ask my husband and children is..."Do you treat the people you work with that way? If the answer is no, then why is it okay to treat your family that way?" I think we get very comfortable with our families and think that whatever we say they will automatically "understand". I have found that is absolutely NOT the case. If we treat everyone with kindness and caring then the "war of words" will never be a problem. My children also went to schools where "no put-downs" were the rule. It has made a HUGE difference in the way they treat each other! Thank you, Michael! I relish reading every issue.
Posted by: Paula from Antioch, CA | February 1, 2008 3:48 PM
Some thousands of years ago the Bible stated the same thing in different words... Proverbs 12:18 states that thoughtless words can be like being stabbed with a sword. The words of a wise person can heal.
I have many scars on my body from wounds received from broken glass, incisions made by doctors, etc. However, these heal and there is no more pain. Sometimes there isn't even a scar to remind you of the incident that produced the wound. But words spoken that rankle can bring up painful feelings decades after they are initially spoken.
When people think before they speak they can offer expressions that ease pain, defuse rage, and are in fact "a healing."
There would be far more peace in families today if people followed these simple principles.
Check out Proverbs 15:1
Posted by: Charles J. Valorz | February 2, 2008 10:02 AM
Got this forward from a close friend, "Words are Weapons' by Michael Josephson. A google search (thanks to Google !) on him threw up his website, 'CharacterCounts!' That got me hooked and then I read thru the mail fully.
Indeed, words are weapons. In today's high pressure lifestyle that the world is increasingly moving into, all types of weapons, including pen and word, just got more destructive. I am sure it is affecting many people across all types of relations (professional, social and personal). Professionals forget elementary lessons of communication such as be an active listener, responsibility of communication lies with communicator, etc. In social & personal situations, we forget words leave lasting impact on others, at times straining relationship beyond repair. On a spiritual level, we forget the concept of ahimsa extends to not only physical violence, but also thought & word (not just 'deed'). The Master goes a step ahead. He advises, 'talk to someone as you would talk to Him and listen to someone as you would listen to Him' . How beautiful !
I have consciously penned my comments under heading 'happiness' and not 'be inspired' !
BE HAPPY
Posted by: CVS | February 20, 2008 9:05 PM
Words can indeed become weapons. I have created a sword prop to remind the children that they can see "SWORDS" in angry "WORDS".
Posted by: Nancy | February 22, 2008 1:50 AM