Advice About Teens 559.2
Here are three suggestions for parents of young teens, all learned through my own mistakes:
First, remember that with emerging demands for independence, worries about peer acceptance, pressures of school and extracurricular activities, and a continuous search for self-identity, adolescents are on a physical and emotional roller coaster.
Like every generation before them (including yours), teens are often arrogant and over-confident about their knowledge and your ignorance and deeply insecure about most other things. They will make mistakes, behave badly, and be thoroughly self-absorbed. Although they want you to be less involved in their life, they actually need you more. Despite continual battles, if you’re open, you will experience glorious moments that both of you will cherish all your lives.
Second, be firm, but choose your battles carefully. Don’t back down when dealing with important principles, but don’t make every issue a hill you’re willing to die on either. Be willing to lose occasionally and give in graciously.
Third, don’t belittle or underestimate the importance of their feelings. It may seem like they’re over-reacting, but teens feel emotions like embarrassment, loneliness, insecurity, frustration, and love truly and intensely.
It’s disrespectful to minimize or discount these feelings with useless advice like "You’ll get over it" or "Everyone feels that way." Nor is it helpful to dismiss or invalidate an emotion by saying "You shouldn’t feel that way."
Teens can be hard to love, but be patient. Soon they will be the parents of your grandchildren.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
Comments
Michael,
Thanks for this. I am a regular reader and past "post-er" as well. Your sentiments this week hit home more than ever. As a teacher of students whose parents don't hold them accountable and support the educational system, it's frustrating to hear, "It's not Johnny's fault." My reply wants to be, "You're right, it's probably not his, it's probably YOURS."
I have a lot to learn about parenting with our 2 1/2 year old son, but I would much rather hear his disappointment now than when he's a teenager because of expectations that he has learned. When I was in school, detention and suspensions would have not mattered after my parents doled out whatever effective punishment to encourage and redirect me on the path to being a good person.
Unfortunately, it's an epidemic in our country and no wonder the education of too many young people is compromised.
Parents - stand up and take responsibility for your children. You are their guide. Allow them to mess up and help them figure out how to get back on the straight path, but don't dig the hole for them. Give them a shovel and point them in the right direction - and cheer the whole way for them!
Thanks for your regular column.
Posted by: Andrew Stoker | March 27, 2008 10:43 AM
I was struck by your line "make mistakes." Of course they will. You don't learn anything if you don't make mistakes. Parents have to understand that a big part of their job is creating a place where kids can make mistakes safely and learn from them.
Posted by: Nora | March 27, 2008 8:51 PM
I particularly like your parting comment about your teenager becoming the parent of you grandchildren. As a great-grandmother, it so easy now to see what the future holds for these fledglings.
It would be so much easier to start out as grandparents and progress backward to infancy. How smart we would be! How differently we would live our lives.
Posted by: Kay Hodges | March 27, 2008 9:42 PM
It is also important to ask the very question that they asked you so many times as a child: WHY? Remember though, when you ask it you need to be prepared to listen without judgment to the end of their answer. Then, after leaving that huge pause before speaking, your next statement should be how can i help you? Kids need parents to ask the questions that help them in arriving at the solution inside themselves that best suits the situation. If you think they could come to a better solution, start all over again with WHY?
Posted by: Gigi | April 1, 2008 5:36 AM
I have read your "Character Counts Newsletter" for many years, and it has provided me with great ideas that I often include in our school districts's monthly "CHARACTER ROCKS NEWSLETTER." Anything of yours is credited to you. Thank you for making this wonderful resource available to educators.
"Our life is a gift. Our character is our choice. --Duane Hodgin
Posted by: Dr.Duane Hodgin | April 7, 2008 6:09 AM