Hi Michael. I have been a fan of your "character counts" commentaries for awhile now. I guess in regards to "the blue stone and a white lie", I don't think it was wrong of you to lie about the maple syrup. My mom once used to tell me and my sister, "if you don't eat your veggies, you won't grow up strong and beautiful". As a child, I admired the beauty of people, so "looking beautiful" was important to me. I began to realize the little lies that my mother and father both gave here and there. The question then becomes, should you be mad at your parents for making you believe something that wasn't true? Or should you try to understand the petty lie they gave to do something for your own good? I am a strong believer that lies become a habit. But as a parent, when a child is being told so many different things from so many different people, anything is believable. A parent's role is to show love, care and attention to their child, and eventually--regardless of how many small lies the parent gives a child--as they grow older they will realize it's because their parents did it out of love... just like your daughter.

I hear your commentary on the stream of KNX radio in Los Angeles while living in Cumming GA.

I wouldn't necessarily call it a lie--the maple syrup trick was more a placebo. If the patient buys into the notion that it could work, it will, even in an emotional state. It worked, and the fact that Abrielle still loved you even after fessing up, it was pretty much no harm, no foul. And she loved you because you stepped in to help when Abrielle felt there was none to offer.

I'm quite certain had you given truth a little more effort and time it would have prevailed. This situation seems quite harmless to even attempt to justify lying. Did you think she was going to hurt herself?

The ethical issue that arises in situations dealing with the very young and the very old revolve around reducing anxiety that is debility. The test that I use when deciding this type of issue is to answer the following questions:
Is what I'm doing/saying kind?
Is it devoid of any self-interest?
Does it serve the best interest of the other person?
Might it result in any harm to another?

Hey, Shane:
Your reply is really funny. You sound like you’ve never raised kids. Aby’s response to the truth was just what you would expect from a child who cannot process logic. Her father quickly realized that allowing the current behavior to continue was worse than telling a white lie. Bravo to Michael for such quick thinking!
I can’t believe Michael felt guilty for lying in this situation. Had he not lied and Aby did indeed burst a blood vessel, he would have felt even worse. Kind of a Catch-22, isn’t it? But it will make for a funny story when she brings her boyfriends over...

The binary nature of absolute ethics (right or wrong) does not map well to the gray-scale by which most humanity functions. When working in an ethical framework, part of trustworthiness is "Be reliable" and this implies a certain level of constancy. Thus one can only be honest by _always_ being honest. A single lie is all it takes to make a person dishonest in an ethical sense. In Michael's example, his daughter now knows that what she is told by her father may not be the truth; it may be something to help her feel better. To push on the envelope, would Michael lie to his daughter about her mother's health?
Personally I do not have a problem with what was done because I am more of a gray-scale ethicist and I am willing to practice what I preach. I tend to have concerns, though, when there is a divergence between stated models and actual behaviors, eg a few Catholic priests and their extracurricular activities.
I am certain everyone has had a problem with "Do as I say, not as I do." It could be a parent, a boss, a partner, and in some regards I feel Michael may have set himself up for this. In closing, I would like to compliment Michael on his integrity and bravery in discussing this.

Wow - Eileen Gold's test is terrific advice!

The issue or question is this: "Is telling a white lie ever the right thing to do?"

Eileen's test provides a great tool that enables a person to quickly evaluate a situation and then decide if telling a "white lie" is appropriate.

Thank you, Eileen!

What you did is commendable -- you thought "outside the box" and spared your child unnecessary anguish. Good for you -- not many of us would be so quick-witted.

I'm not moralizing, just sharing. Reminds me of the time my mom took me to the dentist for a tooth extraction. "If you take a really big breath in, then you will blow the tooth right out!" I came to when the dentist was holding my tooth, telling me what a good job I had done. I was so proud. But 26 years later, again my mom, who was visiting, went with me to the dentist for same reason. The dentist informed me I needed general anesthesia. "Well, what about that stuff where you breathe deep and blow the tooth right out?" I blurted. The dentist looked confused. Catching a look from my mom, I was pretty embarrassed. Was she wrong, though? I had no memory of trauma, instead I remembered a moment of great power.

I'm a person who realizes that there are always gray areas out there that must be acknowledged. For some persons who don't want to acknowledge this and view everything as either black or white, they would brand what you did as totally improper. In life as most of us know it, however, there are many factors that affect the nature of what you say including why you are saying it. Your daughter needed reassurance then and there If she was led to believe that swallowed rocks would kill her and that blue rocks were even more harmful, how could anyone argue that your "white lie" that reassured her was more harmful? That is incredibly unrealistic. Drawing lines in the sand and determining that all "lying" is bad is too simplistic.

Another person who responded to your commentary included a laundry list. As I am looking at that while writing this, I would agree with the selflessness on which that list is based and repeat the essential question, "Is it for self-interest or does it serve the best interest of the other?"

I'm with Eileen on this one. When my son was very small, he was having trouble with nightmares and just wouldn't go to sleep. So I dug out an ugly little stuffed toy and put it under his pillow. I told him that the dream puppy would keep the nightmares away. He only needed it for a short while, but it worked. You have to work within a context that is understood by the person you are dealing with. Your daughter and my son -- at their current ages -- would respond to reason, intellect and honesty. But those are very difficult concepts. So a loving parent uses the tools that will work to comfort and console a distraught child. That's what you did and that's what I did.

The post from Eileen Gold was a good example of determining if it would be harmful to tell a white lie. I feel Shane's post shows very little compassion, only the stringent attitude that any lie is a bad lie. I know that children sometimes have the ideas of horrible things happening and are scared by silly things at times. So Shane, when your child gets a boo boo, do you offer to kiss it and make it better, and miraculously it is better? Is it bad to lie to a child when they think a kiss makes it better? I think not--it is called compassion and caring.

You asked if a lie was acceptable related to swallowing the blue stone. I have 3 grown boys, and I have found that honesty is always best. I would have tried to explain the process of elimination and the odds of anything like that causing any problems. I would have explained that it is not good to ingest anything questionable without asking your parents first, but that she should be just fine in this current situation. Yes, I do understand a parent's need to pacify their children, but in the long run, they will remember the "white lie" and maybe question your response in a difficult situation. You also set precedence about acceptable misleadings, i.e., the end justifies the means.

If anyone recalls, all this came about because of the question "Should we lie to get our children into a better school?" Now I am confused, Mr. Josephson. First you say it is wrong to lie to help your child to get a better education, yet when it pertains to your own child, then a "white lie" is O.K.? This does not make sense to me, but I believe it underlines the fact that when it affects you personally, then things are not so black and white. Many people agreed with you in that you should not lie to get your child in a better school. I believe most of those people were not in the situation you described (living in a bad neighborhood with bad schools, but if you lie about where you live, then your kids can go to a better school). If you make minimum wage and live in California, I am sorry but you cannot send your kids to a private school. Thank God I am not in this situation, but who am I to criticize these people for trying to help out their own kids? And how about when these kids, because they are able to get a better education, go on to be doctors, scientists, and teachers, and are people who actually make this world a better place. Was it wrong to lie about an address then? I believe it is real easy to criticize something when it does not affect you personally. But, believe me, if I were in this situation, you bet I would do it, just like I would lie to my kid if he swallowed a blue rock and he thought he was going to die. I agree with Ms. Hoover in that Mr. Joesphson did this because he loves his daughter and has compassion and cares about her. But the bottom line is that he lied to help his child. Would not lying about an address be the same thing? Aren't you showing your child that you love and care for them by trying to help them to a better life? What is wrong with that? Are you hurting anyone? Your own kid maybe? I disagree. Just like Josephson's daughter understood a week later, your kids understand what you are doing for them is for their own good. Children are not dumb.
I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but I am positive that most people who are actually living in this situation will agree with me. In the end I agree with Mr. Josephson and what he did for his daughter. A little white lie that helped his daughter. I just can't see where he can criticize someone who commits a white lie to help their own children. No harm, no foul, right?

I'm reminded of the time a friend's child was inconsolably terrified of the "monster under his bed". No amount of cajoling, rationalizing, or proof that no such monster existed would help, so I offered a "solution". "Take this shaker of 'magic fairy dust' (whatever bit of baking soda or something I had available) and shake it around the bed. The monster can't come out when you use it." The young man then had the "power" to scare his monster back away & felt safe to go to sleep. A lie? Sure, but at least the little guy felt like HE had some power to control that monster, and his fears were heard & respected.

I think the deciding factor of between the two commentaries of the "fake address" and the "white lie" depends on the duration and opportunity. Both commentaries have good intent, all people want to help out other people. But if the family lied about their address to get their child into a better school, chances are a student who has the correct address to attend will not be able to because their seat has been taken by a student who does not live in the area. And it would not be for a couple days. Someone would be left out for the duration that the student is there for. Here we have the example of someone getting outed.

With the stone, there was a degree of knowledge on the parents' side. The parent knew that swallowing a stone was not going to hurt the child, therefore the white lie was intended to give the child some emotional relief before she hurt herself attempting to eject the stone by force. The maple syrup gave the child a reason to calm down and be at peace. In my eyes no one is outed in that scenario, but in the case of the false address, someone is left out and loses an opportunity they should be entitled to.

I think Giovanny sums it up pretty well. Except I don’t think transfers between high income schools is the same as low income to higher income districts.
However, I disagree that Michael changed his opinion from column to column just because it affected his child. It appears more that he felt a need to clarify his original statement in light of our comments. Goodness, maybe even he learned something from us!
Terry says he was able to raise his 3 boys without even white lies. Bravo to him! But his children’s ability to understand logic is not the norm. Besides, I think if he really evaluates history, he will find that he praised them for their drawings, performances, or gifts that were not really good. Was he always truthful to them in these cases? Did he say, “Son, your drawing/singing/gift is really awful?” If he did indeed treat them this way, I apologize. But then, I think the ones we really need to ask would be Terry’s sons.
As a final word on the blue stone issue: all our comments have sought to utilize logic to prove a point. If we, as adults, cannot even agree on a logical conclusion, how are we to expect a panicked child to understand?

I had the honor of keeping my best friend busy on the day of a surprise 50th birthday party for her. We went to Pittsburgh to the Aviary to see the birds and the peaceful atmosphere. Afterward, I told a "little white lie" and said I had to stop at another friend's house to pick up something. When we got there, there were a lot of cars around the place and I just made the comment that, "Wow, she had me pick up this make-up and she's having a party. That's different." She didn't catch on until her dad happened to step into view and she said "Hey, that's my dad over there," and then she realized what was going on. My point in saying all this is that after the party, she said, "You know, when I realized you kept me busy all day while my family got this party together, I began to question what was really true and what wasn't." I felt badly that I had deceived her even if it meant she wondered the whole morning if it was to have fun or just keep her busy. So I can see why we fudge with the truth sometimes, but I also know that every action has a consequence. It is quite thought provoking.

This is interesting to read the debate. The commentary is Character Counts and the definition of good character is to act appropriately in the situation presented to you at the moment. Surprising to me here is that the lie is not the issue. It is the fact that Michael acted in good character to defuse a situation that could have been potentially dangerous to his child. We will all do things to protect our children from harm. If we don't, I would question if we are good parents. Lying about one's address to go to a better school doesn't protect a child from harm, it gives parents peace of mind. Lying to keep a child from harming themselves will give peace of mind to the child. I would still be in a panic about the stone, but knowing that my child is calm will calm me down to think logically about the next course of action. Michael, true to his commentary, proved that character counts.

You weren't wrong for telling her a lie then. She needed someone to tell her it was gonna be okay and you reassured in the best way you knew how at the time. It's okay.

You did well for saying that, if you grow up in africa, you hear a lot of these white lies! and it pays at the long run.

I have kids of my own. I did what you did when it was necessary and afterward i told them it's not true, but i did it for a reason.

Samuel Johnson said that little white lies cause "no evil except a general degradation of human testimony." That's bad enough, as I think he meant. Oscar Wilde in his typically witty way, encouraged honesty when he said, "If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out." I often ask myself when a person, even glibly, tells me that he lied to someone, what else he might lie about, and how readily might he lie to me.

Is telling a lie ever a good thing? What if telling a lie saved innocent lives? What if telling the truth caused innocent people to die? In a world where war and evil people exist, I can see times when this would be the case. A lie is always a lie. But the effects may be good or bad. More importantly is the motives. Motives may be evil & selfish or selfless & noble. The problem begins when we try to justify a lie for selfish motives. Once we open the door to lying there is a slippery slope as to when to draw the line. Also, you can make truthful statements and still intentionally deceive people. Any time you intentionally deceive someone, it's a lie whether or not you technically lied ("I did not have sex with that woman"). You can lie with the expression of your face or your body language while not saying anything false. Sometimes you can say nothing while knowing others will make false assumptions and be wrong in their perception. The effect is the same as if you had lied. As you can see, there are many shades of gray. Some people think they tell the truth but are just plain wrong. Maybe they received bad facts. Maybe their memory is failing. Maybe their perception is wrong. Should they be held accountable as if they intended to lie? Others intentionaly lie so much they begin to believe their own stories. You can even lie to yourself. It's called rationalizing. As for the blue stone story, I think it would have been better to calm the child and explain that the babysitter was wrong in this case even though they may have believed what they were saying. And hold the child and reassure her it would all come out OK in the end (pun intended). But sometimes in the heat of the moment we don't have time to think out our response and we're tempted to lie because it's easier. I think the bottom line is where your heart is when you speak. One of the things that makes small children so enjoyable is because they haven't learned the subtleties of sophistry. They are an open book. They stand there naked (metaphorically) without any hidden agenda and you love them for their wholesome goodness. It's like a breath of fresh air. That's one reason why I like dogs and puppies too.

I find it interesting that your daughter was more convinced by the babysitter's words of warning instead of your words of reassurance. Perhaps instead of telling a little white lie, it would have been better to swallow several blue stones yourself. Then you can wait to have the truth make your point!